I'm posting this blog due to some recent correspondence with people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and families who have lost a loved one to suicide. 

Once, every minute in the United States a person attempts suicide.  For every successful suicide there are 100 more who will try, but fail and 3 out of 5 of those who try once but fail, will try again.  In all an average of 33,000 people each year are successful in taking their own lives and another 3,000,000 attempt, but fail.  Suicide is the 8^th leading cause of death among American adults and the 3^rd leading cause of death among teenagers and the number one leading cause of death among college students: 1 in 12 college students have attempted suicide.  Statistically, based on suicides per capita, out of the 50 States, Kentucky ranks 16^th !  Males are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than females and it is estimated that in an average high school classroom, 1 girl and 2 boys have attempted suicide.  And as alarming as those statistics are, the highest rates of suicides are found among men and women who are 65 years or older. 

On and on and on I could go with alarming numbers and statistics. To the best of my ability, I want to answer three of the most difficult questions surrounding suicide. 

Why do people commit suicide? For some it is a long, painful, physical battle with an illness or disease or the prospect of it getting worse so the individual throws in the towel and says, “No one knows what I’m going through sitting in this chair, laying on my back day in and day out! No one understands just how miserable I am; the aches, the agony, the side effects from all the medicines, the surgeries! I just can’t take the pain anymore!”  For others it is the recent loss of a loved one and the grief they suffer from becomes a suffocating blanket.  You can’t walk down a hallway without seeing a picture, you can’t open a closet without smelling his aftershave or her perfume, every room, every restaurant, every vacation, every anniversary and birthday, just the ring on your finger. And yes the kids come and the grandkids visit, but it isn’t the same; your best friend, the only person who really knew you--the rhythms, the routines, what some would call the boring mundane schedule of everyday life is now more important to you than ever. Yes, the loneliness is real and you find yourself crying in the car, at the breakfast table where the two of you used to sit, and in the bed where the two of you used to talk and you just can’t go to sleep without feeling the warmth of him or her next to you so you reason, “Why go on?  I just want to be reunited with him or her again.”

For others it is isolation.  No one speaks to you, looks at you, acknowledges you, and you feel so worthless and unloved.  Your life is a cocoon experience, your job and the surroundings and people you work with just pull you down and the only people you connect with are those you can’t see--people on the internet--eventually you isolate yourself from everybody and your house or apartment becomes a hiding place, an unbearably quiet place where your thoughts whisper things like, “You’re losing your mind.” 

For others it was an ugly divorce, an abusive relationship, an affair, a financial down turn and you’ve lost everything you worked so hard to get.  For some it is revenge.  Anger has turned to hate and hate has turned to rage and you’re going to show them!  Suicide notes often reveal such spite and some even take their lives in front of a loved one or in a crowded place or even worse, kill a few people before ending their own life. For some it is what your dad said to you when you were little…the yelling, the words…you still can’t escape it. Or something your mom didn’t say to you like, “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.”  For others it started on the playground.  You wore glasses, couldn’t catch a football, didn’t wear cool clothes, stuttered, couldn’t afford the school lunch and needed assistance, couldn’t read well or spell well, and some punk kid in your class tore you apart, ripped you to shreds verbally in front of your peers and the rest of your school experience and the first 18 years of your life were determined by that stigma.  For many students who have been bullied, singled out, or ostracized it is what our culture is selling.  Death has been glamorized, gore has been glorified and the music and the movies and the games speak to your pain.  Some of you cut yourselves just to feel something…anything. 

Again, on and on I could go! The reality is depression is the leading cause of suicide in the United States today.  95 percent of all suicides are depression based or related.  Proverbs 12:13 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Now all of us deal with sadness in our lives.  All of us battle mood swings and the blues, but not all of us have a chemical imbalance in our bodies that cause us to believe there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no reason to get out of bed; that the sun is never going to shine again.  Not all of us deal every day with anxious thoughts and crippling fears and debilitating worry.  Add to the depression mix alcohol and marijuana and cocaine and other lethal drugs and the likelihood of suicide sky rockets 10 times more than the national average.  And sadly, most people don’t even realize they’re battling depression.  They don’t know that medication and counseling and the power of God, His Word, and His community can help them deal with their hopeless feelings.

And there is this thread woven through everything I’ve just mentioned.  I mean, is it too simplistic to give the credit to our enemy?  Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” Did you catch the words Jesus used there?  I think the key word is “only.”  Your enemy, my enemy has “only” one purpose and that is to steal, kill, and destroy you and me.  He will steal our sense of value and worth and convince us that life is pointless and futile.  He will kill us first on the inside, breaking us down, tearing us apart, confusing us mentally and emotionally, to the point that most people who commit suicide have already died long before they grab a bottle of pills or a handgun.  And “destroy”—isn’t that what suicide does?  It destroys hope and it creates so much pain and hurt and guilt and confusion for those of us left behind. It can cripple us and hinder us from living.  Jesus also said of our enemy that, “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”   He gets people to believe that the only viable option, the only real solution to the pain or problem is death.  When in reality death doesn’t eliminate or solve or simplify the problem, it complicates it, compounds it, and has the potential to ruin more lives in the process.  Our enemy is real and subtle and unfortunately has impeccable timing; he knows what to say, when to say it, and most importantly, who to say it to. We may never know exactly, precisely why someone commits suicide, but we can define with a high level of certainty the factors the lead a person to it.

Question #2 is the hotly debated of, is suicide an unpardonable sin?  There are 6 suicides recorded in the pages of the Bible.  In Judges 9, in the midst of a fierce battle a woman dropped a millstone from a tower hitting Abimelech on the head.  Embarrassed that a woman had stopped him from taking the city Abimelech ordered his armor bearer to draw a sword and take his life. In Judges 16, Samson, the mighty warrior who pushed on the pillars of a Philistine temple, killing himself and the enemy army gathered on the inside.  Interesting, he is later mentioned in Hebrews 11 as a person of great faith.  In I Samuel 31 King Saul, in the midst of a fierce battle is critically wounded, his 3 sons already dead, and the Philistine army was encroaching, drew his sword and fell on it. In II Samuel 17 Ahithophel, when he realized the advice he had given King David was bad advice, mounted his donkey, cleaned up his house the text says and then took his life.  In I Kings 16, King Zimri was ridden with guilt for not listening to God and leading Israel astray.  He lit the palace on fire and stood in the center of it and until all of it was ablaze. Though many preachers have used these 5 deaths to condemn people who commit suicide, not all of them are suicides.  As our culture so subtly refers to it, there is an “assisted suicide”; there are a few honor deaths as well; and yes, a few suicides, but not much if anything is said about God’s opinion of any of them.

Now, the most widely quoted and I think maligned story related to suicide is that of Judas. When talking about his betrayal, Jesus said of Judas, “It would be better for him if head not been born.”  I’ve been in church services and attended funerals where this one verse is used to declare that all who commit suicide go immediately to hell.  Let’s proceed with great caution and care here. According to Zechariah 11, it was prophesied that Jesus would be betrayed.  In other words, God’s will was not for Judas to go to hell.  Rather it was God’s will that Jesus be betrayed.  Otherwise, we have a huge theological conundrum regarding the open, free gift of salvation.  Otherwise Jesus didn’t die for everyone.  Otherwise Jesus’ forgiveness is not available to all. So what did Jesus mean when he said it would’ve been better had Judas not been born?  Could it be that Jesus was looking ahead, knowing full well that Judas would not repent, that Judas would die without salvation and that in going to hell, it would’ve been better if he had not been born in the first place?  Could it be that Jesus actually made that statement with heartache in his tone?  The Bible does say that “God doesn’t want anyone to perish, but wants all to come to repentance.”  To me, anything else would be inconsistent with the ministry of Jesus, because his ministry was characterized by love and compassion. 

Take it or leave it, but based on what I know of the Biblical text, my thought is: Judas didn’t go to hell because he committed suicide.  Judas committed suicide because he was going to hell.  God didn’t choose hell for Judas, Judas chose hell for himself.  That’s consistent with the rest of Biblical theology. I’m not convinced that Judas’ story gives us a full understanding of how God views suicide.  Personally, I would hate to apply Judas’ outcome to a Christian who jumped to their death from the World Trade Center on 9/11.  Blanket statements that use scripture to prove a pet point can be dangerous and damaging.  I’m not saying we should disregard Judas’ story, but rather I believe we should look at all the passages that deal with this subject to form a well rounded view of what God thinks. 

There is no getting around the reality that God has numbered our days and when we cut those days short, we circumvent the plan of God.  To commit suicide is to murder oneself and violate the 6^th commandment in the process.  Some argue, “It’s my life,” but the Bible teaches, “You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”  It is sin because it is an expression of self-hatred.  The Bible teaches that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.  Suicide devalues what God values the most—life--and there is no life in God’s eyes that is invaluable.  The Bible teaches that God gives life and God takes life away and to assume responsibility for the later is to play God.  And most importantly it is sin because it limits the power of God.  When a person takes their life they are declaring that their problem is bigger than God’s power.  That not even God could help them.  Like all sin, suicide breaks the heart of God.    But nowhere in scripture is suicide ever referred to as the unforgivable or unpardonable sin. 

God knows the thoughts and the intent of the heart.  He knows there are some who suffer so much that they hurt the way Paul did.  In II Corinthians 1:8 Paul writes, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.”  God knows there are believers who drift from his will and become so distraught that they lose all sense of reason.  Although they didn’t take their own lives, even Job and Elijah, prayed that they would die. Titus 3:4 says, “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.”  The opposite is just as true, that in spite of the unrighteous things we do, we are saved by God’s mercy.  In other words, we are not saved by our faithfulness to God but by God’s faithfulness to us.  So for those who are in Christ, we need to remember the promise of Romans 8 which begins, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” and ends with, “For I am convinced that neither DEATH nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

Now, some would still argue and say, “But we don’t know where that person was in their relationship with God.”  That’s ok because what we don’t know, God knows and I would rather let Him, in His great mercy, sort it out.  God knows what that person was thinking and feeling and God knows what the enemy convinced them to believe. We don’t!  And we never will!  What am I trying to say?  We (you and me) should never put on the black robe and take hold of the gavel and make bold declarations about whether or not someone is in heaven or hell—ever--suicide or any other action for that matter.  Personally, based on what I know of scripture, (disagree with me and we can still be family), I would hate to pass down a verdict on someone based on their final decision or mistake.  I sure hope that no one judges me based on mine rather I hope I’m judged based on the one good decision I did make and that was to make Jesus the Lord and Savior of my life.  And wow, I need him to be just that--Lord—more powerful than my problems and--Savior—able to save me from anything, especially in the darkest seasons of my soul. 

I’ve already begun the transition, so let me go ahead and take the analytical hat off and put on the hat of my heart.  And let me answer this last question, than make a few personal comments to two specific groups of people reading this blog. 

Question #3—How can I help?   I think all of us need to personalize and internalize this question. This is not someone else’s problem, this is our problem so let me start with those of us who call Southland home.  Here’s my challenge to us:

1. Be alert.  Love always has its antennas up.  Love is always on the lookout for people who feel disconnected and unnoticed and unloved.  Isolation is a recipe for depression, so be on the lookout for people who struggle with loneliness, because love is also inclusive.  Even when people resist your invitations to join you for dinner or church or anything social involving other people, don’t let them say “no!”  Galatians 6:2 says, “Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed.” (MSG)   More than anything those who are in pain want you to know that their pain is not contagious.  By listening, by being a friend, by calling or e-mailing every day, you won’t take on their problem or the circumstances of it, you might actually help them move beyond it.  I watched a documentary called the “Bridge” which chronicles people who jump off of the famous Golden Gate Bridge each year.  Camera men filmed the bridge 24 hours a day for 365 days and captured those who choose to end their lives.  What amazed me the most was the fact that dozens of tourists would stand on the bridge each day and take family pictures, tour guides would be giving tours and in the middle of all the camera flashes, people would stand up on the railing of the bridge and jump.  And the cars didn’t stop and the people didn’t even notice.  How often is that true in our lives; that all around us are people who are literally hanging on by a thread looking for one good reason why they shouldn’t end it all today?  And we have an answer of hope that will drown out their pain; that will silence the voice that says “Dying is better than living!” Church we have to first be alert to those around us.

2. Listen well.  If someone makes even the slightest threat, take it seriously. I want you to remember 3 letters today: QPR. Step one: Question.  Get the person in a private place and start by asking them, “Have you been unhappy lately?”  And listen to them, maintain eye contact, cry with them, hug them, hold them, don’t rush the conversation, don’t look at your watch, stay with them and most importantly don’t trivialize their pain by sharing some cliché anecdote that you read in Chicken Soup for the Soul.  Their pain is real, so do not minimize it.  As the conversation progresses, ask them “Have you been so unhappy lately that you thought about taking your life?”  Even if it is just a fleeting thought, don’t blow past it.  Step two: Persuade. Again, you are not the counselor, you are not trying to fix their problem on the spot; you simply want to hear them say that they will get help.  And you persuade by asking, ”Will you go with me to see a counselor?”  “Will you let me make the appointment for you?”  “Will you promise me that in the next 24 hours you won’t act on your emotions?”  “Will you come stay with me” or “Can I stay with you until the counselor is available?”  You are trying to do everything you can to remove the barriers that make it difficult for that individual to get help.  And step three: Refer. Trust me, their deep rooted pain is bigger than anything you can help with. “Refer” means you pick up your phone and call Southland @224-1600 and we will help you find the right person to meet with your friend or family member.  QPR—Question, Persuade, Refer.

3. Choose your words well.  Most of us have either been to a funeral for a person who has committed suicide or we’re going to go to one in the future.  What we don’t say is just as important as what we should say.  Let me recommend a few thoughts on this one. 

#1--We shouldn’t say, “This happened for a reason.”  The reality is that there’s no good reason whatsoever, so let’s not pretend there is one.

#2--We shouldn’t say, “God needed him more than we did.”  Or, “It was just his or her time to go.”  I can assure anyone reading this that God would’ve wanted that individual to stay here. God has a plan and a purpose for every life and suicide is not part of His plan for anyone! Ever!

#3--We shouldn’t say, “I know how you feel.”  Unless you’ve lost a son, daughter, mom, dad, spouse, aunt, uncle, brother or sister to suicide, you don’t know how they feel and even if you have lost a family member to suicide, everyone feels different things.

So let’s consider some things we can say and should say:

1. We can say, “I’m sorry.  I’m really, really sorry.”

2. We can say, “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.”

3. We can say, “I’m here for you…whatever you need, I’ll do it.”

4. We can say, “I just need to hug you.”

5. We can say, “I’m going to keep praying for you and I mean that.”

6. And we should say, “Hold on to the good memories you have…treasure them, cherish them…don’t let this be your only memory of your loved one.” 

Yes, choose your words well and if words fail you, simply say, “I don’t really know what to say, other than I love you.”  There is no one on the planet that can ever hear the words “I love you,” too much in their life.

Let me shift gears and talk to the suicidal person that is reading this entry. I want you to ask the same question we’re asking of ourselves today and that is, “How can I help?”  Here’s how you can help—DON’T DO IT!  Even if you feel like or believe that no one loves you or could love you, I do! And you’re thinking, ”Yeah, you say that, but you don’t know me.”  Hey, I’m yet to meet a person that I haven’t been able to fall in love with, a person I don’t value.  Ask people who know me well--my heart is bigger than your problem, my heart is bigger than your personality, my heart is bigger than your quirks and idiosyncrasies and my heart is small in comparison to God’s heart.  This is true: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  And I’m sharing with you as someone who has to deal with the family and friends you leave behind, I don’t even think suicide is a solution.  It actually compounds the problem. It doesn’t eliminate pain, it creates more of it!  And you have nothing in the Bible that says the pain will end once your life does.

The Bible teaches that “God is for you and not against you.” Has anyone ever told you that?  That God is actually for you and he wants to be in you, because once he is in you, he can work through you.  It’s true…when the whole world feels like it is against you, God is on your side! Yes God is for you and not against you! In Acts 16, a Roman soldier in charge of a prison wakes up and thinks all of the prisoners have escaped. The text says he draws his sword and is on the brink of committing suicide when one of the prisoners stops him.  By the end of the story the man in charge of the jail comes to know that God is for him and not against him.  God is the great alchemist…he can pull your life out of the fire and make gold of it!  God never wastes pain! Get this, I know thousands of people at Southland whose lives were horribly pointed in the wrong direction and God brought them out of their pain and now they have recycled that pain and actually get to help other people going through what they once went through. God can do the same with your life too!  I promise you, if Kurt Cobain or Ernest Hemingway or anyone who has committed suicide this week or even today were writing this, they would grab you by the shoulders, shake you, and say, “Don’t do it!  It solves nothing!”  As I write this, I’m shedding tears because of my love for you…I beg of you, please don’t do it. 

Let these verses from the Bible wash over you, please let the truth in, let it come in and shine some light on the pain and lies that are bringing you down:

Psalm 34 says, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  One version puts it this way: “Is anyone crying for help?  God is listening, ready to rescue you.  If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”  Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”  And my favorite by far because he did this for me and I’ve seen him do it for others; Psalm 40 says, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”   

Yes, whatever you are dealing with, whatever you are struggling through, whatever it is that is making you think you can’t go on, I believe we can help and we want to help.  Seek us out today…call us at 224-1600 and even when we’re not in the office there is a 24 hour hotline that you can call and one of our staff members will answer your call and help you.  We carry that cell phone around because we know not all problems arise or are solved during office hours.  Let me say it again…suicide is not an option…and again, suicide is not an option…I love you, God loves you and so does this church!

And last, let me close by talking to those of you who have lost a family member to suicide.  Again, I want you to answer this question as well, “What can I do to help?”  Here’s how you can help…start by listening to me say these words…”It’s not your fault…It’s not…It’s not your fault…you’re not the reason your loved one took their own life…you’re not the cause, you’re not the blame…it’s not your fault.”  And more than likely you’re experiencing or have experienced these 4 emotions: 

1. Initial Shock: “This isn’t happening!” 

2.Anger: “Why am I so mad?” 

3. Guilt: “If only I’d done something or said something more.” 

4. Stigma: “What do I tell people?” 

To those of you who have found a note or had a policeman knock on your door--I love you, God loves, this church loves you and we are here for you.  Please don’t push us away or not let us grieve with you.  The Bible commands us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; and weep with those who weep.”  Please make your pain known so that the rest of us can be obedient to what God has called us to do.  The Bible commands us to, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”  It was Jesus who said, “Are you tired? Worn out?...Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.  I’ll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”   Your heart is not big enough and your shoulders are not strong enough to carry what you’ve had to go throw on your own.